Will we ever have another child? This is going to be a long one...
Up until the day that Solomon was born, I said I wanted to have a second child very soon. I wanted two children very close together. People said I was crazy. I said I wanted to go through all the craziness at once, then it would be smooth sailing. I thought I would have preferred that over getting comfortable with one child, and then starting over. Obviously I didn't know just how much craziness there would be. Don't get me wrong, if I were to get pregnant again right now we would love the next child just as much as we do Solomon. We would embrace God's gift to us, and we would survive. Probably. My feelings on having a second child have changed dramatically. IF we do, it will be several years before we will be ready. There are a lot of reasons that I'm not even sure if I would want another child...ever.
I would love for Solomon to have a sibling, but at the same time I'm afraid I won't have as much love for him if I were to have to share that love with another tiny human. This love is amazing, I don't want to tamper with it. When I think about having another child, it makes me feel guilty that Solomon wouldn't be "the baby" anymore (that whole crazy guilt thing again). Not to mention the amount of work it is to have one child, I can't imagine with two. When you are fully committed, 120%, every second of every day to a tiny human, how do you share that with another? I have a few friends that I have talked to recently who have, within the last year, had a second child. No way would any of them say they "regret" having a second child, but I can see in their face that the amount of work it is, is just as surprisingly hard as getting use to having one. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that. Granted I already feel like, even at eight months old, things have gotten a lot easier. So I'm not sold either way, but if I absolutely had to make a decision right now, my answer to having a second would be no.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is hard. It's really really hard. No seriously, it is super hard. I struggled every single day with breastfeeding. I don't think I could start over with breastfeeding, and how could I breastfeed one child and not another? I am a very determined, some people would say stubborn, person. I made up my mind before I found out that I was pregnant that I was going to breastfeed. There were no excuses for me. Nothing would stop me. I even made a "no bottle rule" for the hospital. I said, unless I was dead or unconscious, that Solomon absolutely would not get a bottle at the hospital. No matter what. I knew with my determination that would not be hard for me, but I didn't want anyone else to pressure me into the decision not to breastfeed. If I was going to make the decision not to, it would be in the comfort of my own home, alone, with no pressure. The more my husband learned about breastfeeding, he agreed to back me up. And I made it. My little guy latched like a champ within 10 minutes of being born. I fed him consistently in the hospital, and for several weeks after we got home. He was always full and content. "Sweet this is easy", I thought, "What is everyone always complaining about?" Then we hit the first growth spurt. Solomon was about 4-5 weeks old. He wanted to eat every hour, and he would eat for about 45 minutes at a time. This went on for three days straight. Even during the night. Yes...do the math. That was 15 minute breaks for mommy every 45 mintues, and THAT WAS IT. I cried, I thought my milk had dried up, I thought it was over. I told my husband to go buy formula, but luckily he refused. We ended up going to the doctor, where we had just been 4 days before, and I found out that my baby had gained a pound. In four days, he gained a freaking pound. I didn't even know that was possible. That was before I had returned to work, thank goodness. I returned to work when Solomon was 7 weeks old (way too soon, I know). I had only pumped a few times before I went back to work, so I had a very small stash of frozen milk at home. Pumping at work for the first few weeks was fine. I would get enough milk for Solomon to have the next day, and then some days even had extra. Then we hit another growth spurt. Solomon jumped from 3 1/2 ounce bottles every three hours, to 5 ounce bottles every three hours. If he got any less than 5 ounces, he could scream when the bottle was all gone. About the same time as the jump I got my first period. Now some women say your period doesn't affect your supply. However some women also say you will have an "endless" supply. Yea right. Let me just be the first to tell you that some women have no idea what they are talking about. About a week before I got my first period I went from getting 5-7 ounces in a pumping session to 2-3 ounces. On my days off I would pump in between his feedings (he would eat every three hours, so every hour and a half I would pump or feed him). As you can imagine this didn't do much for my social life. It was rough. Finally, a couple weeks after Solomon turned 6 months old, I broke down and decided to supplement. I only decided this after going through several bottles of fenugreek, drinking sick amounts of water, trying this horrible mother's milk tea, and pumping for ridiculous amounts of time just to keep up with him. I
found something online that confirmed all the benefits I had offered my baby by exclusively breastfeeding for the first 6 months. It was a relief to have formula to fall back on. I got to stop the crazy constant worrying about having enough, and the time consuming extra pumping sessions. A few days after Solomon turned eight months old, we stopped breastfeeding completely.
Thinking about no longer having these sweet moments does very hurtful things to my heart.
But it just wasn't working. I was getting less than an ounce from two pumping sessions each day. Solomon would get frustrated when I would try to feed him, and that was frustrating for me. In a way, he kind of weaned himself. Breastfeeding is a commitment. I absolutely encourage women to breastfeed. The money we spend on formula now is enough to make me want to try and start again. If I could do it without pumping, I would. I am proud of how much we accomplished, but disappointed we didn't get to end on my terms. Breastfeeding is hard. It's really ... really hard.
Purple Crying
You may or may not have heard this term before. This isn't something people tell you about before you get pregnant. You have probably heard of colic, and experienced the occasional visits to restaurants where there is a screaming baby. Those things are not really what I am talking about. When Solomon was about 6 weeks old (keep in mind I went back to work when he was 7 weeks old), he started crying every night about the same time. After the first couple of days I took him to the doctor. There had to be something wrong with my poor baby, he was screaming at the top of his lungs! The doctor told us he had reflux, and gave us a prescription. The crying continued. A week later we went back, got a stronger prescription, the crying still continued. Solomon would start crying around 8:00 pm, and would continue to cry until around 1:00 am. I would rock him, sing to him, anything to try and soothe him, but nothing worked. I thought I was going to lose my mind. A lot of nights I would sit and rock him while he screamed, and I would cry too. When a mommy cannot comfort her baby, the heart ache is excruciating. My schedule at work was 10:00a-7:00p. I would get off at 7:00, run home to do everything I could (usually getting my pump and bottles ready for the next day, maybe get to eat) before the crying would start at 8:00. Then I would rock him, or run around pulling my hair out while my husband rocked him, until 1:00a. Only to go to bed the second he finally passed out, and wake up the next day to start over. There was no "mommy time", after he would go to bed. He didn't go to bed unless I did. Finally, a girl from my pregnancy group told me about
this website. The period of purple crying. A period. That would end. And it did. A couple days before Solomon turned 3 months old, it just stopped. I barely remember what those days were like now, and I feel like that was a lifetime ago. However that went on for about 7 weeks, and during the time that 7 weeks felt like a lifetime itself. So I wonder, if I were to have a second child, how would I handle that and a toddler? Of course the second child may not experience the period of purple crying, but WHAT IF they do?
Fear
There is a fear that a woman experiences after she becomes a mother. It is constant, and unavoidable. It is the fear of something happening to her child. Something that would be irreversible and detrimental to the child's health. Or even worse... (I can't say it). That fear is so great, and you feel so helpless. Tragic events involving children are rare, but still as a mother you fear the worst. This is why so many moms are so over protective. It's hard not to think about the bad stuff. When Solomon was smaller, I read a blog one of the girls had posted in my pregnancy group. I'm going to go ahead and tell you, that I do not recommend reading it. I cried so hard. I cried for days after I read it.
But if you dare...here is the link. When you hear about a tragedy involving a child as a mother, it hurts on a whole new level. You can almost feel the pain the mother of the child has experienced. You think about the possibility of something similar happening to your child, and that makes you sick to your stomach. The fear and worry for one child is so great, how could I handle that fear multiplied.
I have to work
I understand that being a stay at home mom is a lot of work. I have a lot of respect for stay at home moms, and I don't want to offend anyone. However being a working mom, is SO much harder than being a stay at home mom. We would have been able to continue breastfeeding if I could stay at home. It hurts EVERY DAY leaving my baby to go to work. It's not natural. A woman should be with her baby. I have to go to work 40 hours a week, and I still have to do all the things a stay at home mom does. It is financially impossible for me to stay home (trust me, I have done the math every which way possible every day for the last eight months). I couldn't imagine having to leave another child to go to work.
Recently someone said something to me along the lines of women who use to work out in the fields every day could have four or five kids without missing a beat, but yet women today can barely handle one. I told them it's not that I couldn't do it, its that I don't want to, and I have a choice. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but women are strong. We can handle a lot. And we do. We become these super humans after we have a child, that display these super strengths. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Since I started this post, I told my husband that I think I will want another child. Not today, probably not in the next year, but one day. I already can't believe my baby is closer to being a toddler than a baby! It goes so fast. Everyone tells you that, but it really does. Every day is amazing in a whole new way, but you still miss all the sweet moments you have with your little baby.
I will miss this.
Because motherhood.
